Would I Have Hated Me?

My Life’s Show

If I watched my life’s show, who would I have hated the most.      My brother or my mother, my friends or my cousins. Who would have been my least favorite, I wondered.                                                                 

Staring at tv, watching a show, would it have been me, the one I hate?                        My actions and words I said during an argument or the way I acted when I'm anxious.

Which scenes would I pause on to understand a situation to turn the clock back so I could yell at her to turn her back and run away but she wouldn’t have listened to me and continued walking towards fire hoping it wouldn’t burn.

 

Maybe I would pause scenes on my mother, trying to understand what caused her frustration, maybe on my brother, just a teenage boy lashing out under this academic pressure, or maybe I would pause it on my little sister, oh dear baby screaming on everyone. probably for attention. Or maybe I would pause it on my father to hug him tight when a tear leaked away from his eyes.                                                                    

Who would I really pause scenes on and why would I do it, why do I want to feel their heartbreak when there would be nothing I could do.                                                                      

Would I pause on every moment or on just moments I couldn’t make sense of.

 

Would I have paused it on moments from eighth grade when I went out with my friends on my last day of exams, relieved from all the stress a middle schooler has, or would I have paused it on the moment where I was sitting on the edge of tears, when music was blasting yet I could hear nothing but my beating heart, while two girls were laughing beside me on a joke they made.

Or would I have paused it on the day when I realised I was someone’s priority for the entire time oh I was so surprised when someone confronted it to me, and she really meant it.

Would I have hated me or someone else? Would I have pause it on every moment or only the ones that didn’t make sense?

 

What would I have done with my life’s show?                                                                 

Would I publish it on theatre for the world to see or would I burn it and bury it underneath? What would I have done if there was a show on my life would i be proud or would i hide my face under a blanket like I've just seen a ghost?

 

Would I have hated me?

 

Where would I pause and which scene would I rewind, I close my eyes and wonder.

 

I would watch my childhood memories- the ones I have forgotten.                                                

Maybe I would watch those memories on replay watching myself play in mud, laughing with other 4-year-olds having chip and chocolate.... oh, so full of fun.      

I’d pause it on the moment when I was sitting with my friends on the edge of a wall having garlic bread.                                     

I’d pause it on that night, when everything felt right, just me and my girls, laughing like the world was ours.

I’d pause it on the moment my father sang to me, moment I was in his arms, months old baby smiling at him and his heart melted. I’d pause it on there and watch it with my own eyes, carve that memory on my heart and watch it in my mind.

 

I’d like to see if anyone ever defended me, but I doubt it was recorded, maybe it was cut labelled unimportant.       I’d like to see those unimportant scenes, what if my favorite memory lived in a deleted scene, even if it had been for a moment. I would like to see it all for once. I don’t seem to remember anything at all about the faded memories I grew old off.

What if I was loved and didn’t notice what if I was the reason someone got hurt. 

If there had been a show, I would watch it and know.

 

How would my show have ended?  A question lingering.

I suppose there’s no fixated end because I'm alive and still breathing with a soul in my body glimmering.

So, I wonder how would it have ended but it’s absurd to think and then it occurred I'm supposed to end it,                                                                                                                It’s my Life, and not just a script?

So how would I have ended it?                                                                                                                                                          I'll probably end it after the scenes of saying goodbye to my friends and cousins, waving to little kids, waving to my mom and dad, eyes full of ache and excitement with a bag on my shoulders.                                                                                                                                             

I'll end it right after my brother tying my shoelace on his knees on the airport and then comes a black screen, with a note “To everyone who kept trying no matter how bumpy the road gets” and “To people who never knew how much it hurt-- I hope now you do”.

 

The show hasn’t ended I know there’ll be a sequel to it.

 

So, I wouldn’t have hated me or anyone else,                              I would have watched the whole show with a smile and a silent ache.

Note: All the images used here are from Pinterest.